The Art of a Kind Tongue - Practicing Kindness with Your Kids
I used to think I was a patient person. Then I had kids.
Parenting is no picnic—we’re assigned the task of feeding, teaching, and raising people, while simultaneously being deprived of sleep and free time. Is it any wonder our tempers get a little short, and our tongues a little sharp?
But I’m not happy with this new version of me—I want a kinder tongue. I’m still a Mom-In-Training, but I’ve heard a few things, tried a few things, and I think we can do a little better. Let’s brainstorm.
An Unkind Tongue
Having an unkind tongue goes beyond using curse words. I’m talking sarcasm. A raised voice. Impatient gestures, scowls, and words. We wouldn’t treat friends that way; why our children? How did we get here?
If we take a good, honest look at ourselves, there are often poisonous attitudes behind our unkind words. I keep finding skeletons in my own closet:
Anger—with my lack of control over my kids, over my own life.
Entitlement—feeling like I’m owed something better.
Bitterness—turning a hateful eye toward everyone and everything standing in my way.
It ain’t pretty. But I have to own it before I can solve it.
Put Away Negative Influences
On Twitter, I finally chose to “unfollow” certain parenting writers, once I realized their bitter and sarcastic attitudes were rubbing off on me. I can’t be cheerful 100% of the time, but I certainly don’t need help feeding my bad attitudes. I can choose which voices influence my daily mental diet: Fellow parents who encourage me. Bible verses. Uplifting articles. Positive quotes.
Our Kids are Taking Notes
Would you speak to your kids so harshly in front of your friends? Your pastor? Your mom? Act like someone’s listening, because someone is. Few things were as convicting for me as hearing my daughter scold her stuffed animals—in my voice. It was hurtful, but helpful. Our kids are watching, learning from us, taking notes—and not just of the good things.
Take a Breath
When I find myself face-to-face with a crazed, defiant toddler, gritting my teeth, it takes very little willpower to stop and draw a breath.
Just. One. Long. Deep. Breath.
I’m usually surprised to find myself a little calmer—just enough to handle the situation rationally (even if to realize I need to walk away momentarily).
Whisper Instead of Shouting
While it’s easy to shout when you’re frustrated, it actually makes things worse. It escalates the tension for both of you. And it sends kids the message that you’re out of control, that they are winning the tantrum game.
Instead, lean in close and speak very quietly. It’s surprisingly effective—and satisfying, too, as you’re able to maintain control.
Count Them to Three
Counting calmly to three has gone miles toward helping me keep my cool. I first learned the 1-2-3 Magic method from Dr. Phelan, Ph.D. His technique teaches you how to let consequences do the “shouting” for you. Eventually, your kids learn to obey long before you reach “three.”
Finally, give yourself grace as you practice, practice, practice the art of a kind tongue.
This was just what I needed to hear today! I have not been patient recently... and always struggle with some "anger issues" so to speak. I love your tip about choosing who to "unfollow." We are who we spend our time around, and there are a lot of negative influences on me I could do a better job of ignoring.
Honestly, it is terrible to say it, but Christian homeschool groups are one of them. So much drama, so much arguing over everything biblical, always some hateful use of scripture. Every other post is wonderful, but in between them are arguments about scripture applied to any number of stupid issues.
I'm glad you were encouraged. 🙂 I need to remind myself of these things almost daily, too! It's too bad that even places that should be full of encouragement all too often tear people down. Nobody's perfect, I guess. Hopefully we can begin to encourage our fellow homeschoolers and Christians to be better examples.